“Rollercoaster”

“We were up-and-down and barely made it over
But I'd go back and ride that roller coaster
It was fun when we were young and now we're older
Those days that are the worst, they seem to glow now
We were up-and-down and barely made it over
But I'd go back and ride that roller coaster with you”

--The Jonas Brothers, “Rollercoaster”

9-22-2018. The best night with my best boys and some of my best girls. #JonasBrothers

Dear Us,

It’s midnight on January 27/28, 2020, and I decided to start a blog. About us. For us.

Here’s the deal. You know I like to write letters, but there aren’t enough hours in the day to write every letter that I want to write before graduation. So I’ll put as many of them here as I can (as I think of them and as I have the time [LOL!]). Then, at the end of the year, I’ll give you all the link, and you can see it all as it played out in my head. But what I like best about the idea of this little blog is that you can take it with you wherever you go in the same way that I’ll take each of you and our grad school experiences with me wherever I go for the rest of my life.

So this is it. Our last semester of grad school at K-State. I can’t believe I’ve only known you since August 13, 2018. I can’t believe how quickly we bonded or how certain I am that my life would be lacking something if I hadn’t met each of you. I knew that immediately. Since Nick helped me order my first vodka cranberry at Keltic Star (RIP). Since Mikayla and I had French fries in McDonald’s at 9 o’clock at night. Since Rebecca passes her phone around the lunch table to start our GroupMe during Orientation Week. It didn’t take me any time to feel comfortable with you guys, and that’s saying something. There are so many things about myself that I’m not comfortable with—my weight, my skin, my (lack of) love life, how I’m so young and inexperienced at what seems like everything—but you guys dispelled those fears before you even knew they existed. You didn’t do anything special. You just loved me in a way that I’m not used to being loved.

8-17-2018. We had known each other for 5 days. I was already in love with you, and I knew my life would only being better for having met you.

Here’s the thing: I know you’re going to yell at me for “dissing myself” in that previous paragraph. But, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t change myself, so don’t think that I’m desperately wishing to be something different. Like all of us, I have some deep-seeded insecurities. Growing up, I was always told that I was “so smart.” I was “writing my own ticket,” and “my parents must be so proud.” What I don’t remember being told was that I was pretty or that I had a nice smile or that someone had a crush on me. I do remember not fitting into my 7^th grade Spring formal dress because I had gained weight. I remember being told by my neighbor that we could work out (at 12 and 13) and get me “from a Large to a Medium.” I remember getting cast as the comic relief character but never the beautiful leading lady and being told that boys were “intimidated by me.” I remember not getting asked to Prom. I knew I was smart, and that quickly became my identity—but I wanted to be pretty.

It got better by undergrad. I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I remember my roommate telling me that I had a great sense of fashion. I remember not caring if I wore makeup every day or not. I remember seeing girls who weren’t supermodel skinny walking around campus with their boyfriends and believing that I might have that someday, too. But, for the most part, I focused on school, because I liked it, and I was good at it. Don’t misunderstand me. I wasn’t unhappy in undergrad. I met some of my best friends. But we were awkward and insecure and trying on new personas like college was a semi-annual sale, and it’s hard to ask someone to help you figure out who you are when they didn’t even know themselves. I didn’t even know that that’s what I wanted until later.

ChLA 2019. Flexin' our brains and showin' our skin.

12-2-2018. Prom. 

And then I met you guys. Manhattan, New York is an island, but Manhattan, Kansas is the Island of Misfit Toys—in the best way possible. And I don’t know what made us click so quickly, when so many other cohorts want to kill each other. Maybe we’ve all lived similar lives. Maybe we know how it feels to be different or atypical and so we know that secret, inner desire that we’ve never spoken aloud. I mean, how else would you guys all just seem to know that I so wanted to feel beautiful? Do you know how many times you have told me I’m pretty? Or that my body looked good? In what should have been the most stressful and competitive crucible I’ve ever thrown myself into, I found peace with myself because of you. Because, all these years, I thought something was wrong with me. Maybe I wasn’t particularly pretty; I didn’t hear that much (except from my parents, but they’re obligated to say that, right?) Maybe I was a little too chubby or my one wonky tooth was too wonky; I had never been asked out, never kissed anyone. Maybe I was too loud or weird or naïve or focused on my career. But you showed me that that was ridiculous. I remember the most trivial things that led to that realization: when Mikayla told me that *I* had inspired *her* to wear more crop tops, when Rebecca (who I think is super stylish) told me that we have similar styles, when we were crammed into Rebecca’s car after Second Chance Prom 2018 and I joked that I felt cool and Cailey said, “You are cool,” or when I put on a two-piece swimsuit for the first time in over a decade at ChLA and was greeted with cheers from Lexi and Dustin. They’re just silly little moments, but they reminded me that I am—and probably always have been—pretty. And, you know what? There’s someone out there for me, and I might as well kick ass and take names until they catch up to me. You guys taught me that, and I typed and deleted and retyped all of this so many times, because I never wanted to admit all this out loud, but I wanted you to know, in the most intimate and honest and personal way, that you’ve changed my life—and, maybe more importantly, you changed the way I see myself. And I’m so grateful for that. (BRB, gonna’ go cry.)

Okay, I can’t promise that every post won’t be this emotional. It is me, after all. But I just felt compelled to tell you all this, because, in some weird way, my insecurities shaped me, and they led me to you, and now you guys have shaped me, and I can’t wait to see where I’ll go next. You’ll always be a part of my journey, and I really wouldn’t change anything about this roller coaster I’ve been on. If it led me to friends like you, I’d do it all again.

Love ∞,

Me