"A.M."

“Won't you stay 'til the A.M.?

All my favorite conversations

Always made in the A.M

'Cause we don't know what we're saying

We're just swimmin' 'round in our glasses

And talkin' out of our asses

Like we're all gonna make it, yeah yeah

Ooh, you know I'm always coming back to this place

Ooh, you know

And I'll say

Ooh, you know I'm always gonna look for your face”

--One Direction, “A.M.”

2-15-2019. Low quality pic, but hi-quality friends. Happy 24th, Lex! 

I made the decision early on to name all these blog posts after songs. I’m a lyric girl—always have been, and even though I now have almost 2 degrees in English, there are some times when a song says something better (and more succinctly) than I ever could. I had, like, 12 songs/blog ideas picked out already, and then I went on a One Direction binge this week. I have never binged One Direction before; I was always a JoBro/T. Swift girl, so I really slept on them in high school. But something made me put them on on Spotify—maybe it’s because I know Rebecca likes them, so they make me think of her; maybe it’s because they broke up (are we still deluding ourselves that it’s a “hiatus”?), and we’re getting ready to separate, too, so I wanted to go back to when things were okay; maybe I just wanted to go back in time a little because reality is overwhelming; maybe I just needed to mix up my pop music. I don’t know. But, for whatever subconscious reason, I ended up listening to their entire discography, and two songs made me think of us: “A.M.” from Made in the A.M. (2015) and one that you'll see later 😉. These songs weren’t even on my radar, but when I heard them, I knew I wanted to use them.

2-9-2019. Mac n Cheese pizza at 12:26AM.

What I like about “A.M.” is the chorus, because it’s so relatable. We’ve all stayed up too late and spilled feelings we wouldn’t reveal in the daylight. We’ve done that together a few times. I remember that Thursday of Orientation Week at Keltic playing Never Have I Ever and admitting that I’d never kissed anyone. (You guys admitted a lot that night, too. 😉). I remember after “Prom” last year, going back to Cailey’s apartment in ugly-fancy dresses and playing Truth or Dare like actual teenagers. I remember Lexi’s Birthday last year, staying out until last call and shutting Aggieville down—something else I had never done before. Or Dustin’s birthday this year when we went out after Karaoke Night. (Remember the cartwheel??? See below!) We don’t do it often, but I love going out and blowing off steam with you guys, drinking, and dancing. I love feeling that we all belong together and that we’re more than colleagues.

9-21-2019. Birthday Boy Dustin rocks our makeshift
Karaoke Night (pre-cartwheel!)

So, yeah. We’ve done our fair share of “swimmin’ ‘round in our glasses / and talkin’ out of our asses,” but what really got me was the “like we’re all gonna make it” line. Do you think we’re more honest after midnight? More optimistic? More vulnerable? I think so. So, on one hand, it feels naïve to say that we’re all going to “make it,” but, on the other hand, I don’t think it is. I try to tell you guys all the time how proud of and awed by you that I am. You each have stories, you know? Lives that are richer and more complicated and beautiful than any book I’ve ever read, and I’ve been privy to a fraction of that beauty since I’ve known you. And I’ve known you long enough to know that we’ll all make it. Will we become an international touring pop band? Maybe not (unless you want to go for it, then I’m in!) But we could be the next Karin Westman or Phil Nel or Traci Brimhall or Adam Silvera or (insert your idol here). Why not? And even if we don’t reach massive public acclaim, I know that we’ll find jobs in our fields and be happy. And, in this day and age, that’s “making it.” You guys have so much talent and love to offer the world, and I’m just lucky that I get to exist in the same time and place as you. I can be happy doing a lot of things, but I know that because I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by you and people like you my whole life. You’ve been so supportive and kind and loving to me; you’ve really hyped me up to believe in my own potential as much as I believe in others’. And, for that, I will be forever grateful.

2-7-2020. Here's to another night out, another round, another bad DJ, and (at least) another 25 years of celebrating Lexi.

 

So, as we start running out of A.M.s, just know that I have cherished every minute we’ve spent together. Thank you for trusting me with your pasts and your secrets and your insecurities, and thank you for taking mine and loving me despite them. I’m not a 6AM kind of “morning person,” but I’d do an “out ‘til 2” morning with you guys any day of the week. Ten, 20, 30 years from now, those will still be some of my best memories.

Love ∞,

Me