“Chances”

“What if I’d never run into you?
What if you’d never smiled at me?
What if I hadn’t noticed you, too?
And you never showed up where I happened to be

…

What are the chances that we'd end up dancing?
Like two in a million, like once in a life
That I could have found you, put my arms around you
Like two in a million, like once in a life
What are the chances?”

--the Backstreet Boys, “Chances”

4-26-2019.  Embracing our inner (outer) weirdness at the end-of-the year SAGE BBQ.  The odds of that happening was always pretty high, though. 

Do you remember the day we met? August 13, 2018. Like 8AM or some ridiculous time. We were in the lounge, eating the first of many, many Panera bagels, and making painfully uncomfortable smalltalk while Phillip hovered nearby, just smiling away. I was huddled in the corner between the trash can and the microwave, feeling really excited and petrified but also kind of proud that I had found the building by myself. The first thing I remember saying was to Lexi and Jimmy, because I heard Lexi utter the phrase “Harry Potter.” So, of course, I butted in with, “I heard ‘Harry Potter,’ so I’m just going to jump in!” (Wow, I cringed when I wrote that. Thank you, Lexi, for graciously letting me talk to you.) Isn’t it weird how things can start?

But, in a way, Orientation was just the culmination of our whole lives.

My parents were married for 15 years before I was born. Mikayla deferred a year. Dustin & Noelle took gap year. Lexi skipped a grade. Rebecca started Kindergarten when she was 4.  What if one of those things didn’t happen? What if Cailey or V or I had taken a gap year? What if Molly or Nick went somewhere else for grad school? What if Jacque had gone into a Ph.D. program or hadn’t already known an instructor here? The cohort—our friendship—wouldn’t be the same if every single one of us hadn’t taken the path we took. So what are the chances that we ended up here, in Kansas, at the same time? I think about that all the time. It’s mind-boggling if you ever really really try to process it. Someone smarter than me can do the math, but I figure it was at least a 1 in 14 million chance. And, man, does it feel like I won the lottery with those odds.

9-2018. New Faculty Reading. I'm pretty sure this was one of the first times I said, "Let's take a group picture!" I'm very glad more of you participate in those now, but let's just appreciate the massive glow up that 3/4 of the people in this picture have had.

Then I think about the things I’ve gone through in life—and, overall, I’ve had it easy. I’ve always had (and still do have) incredibly supportive parents who have helped me financially and emotionally whenever I need it. I’ve always had friends (even if I now look back and see that some of those relationships may have been one-sided). I’ve done well in school and at my jobs, and I’ve been well-liked by my peers and bosses. The chances of life being perfect are zero, so, with that in mind, I’m always trying to figure out what I’ve done to deserve the life I’ve been given. Forgive me if I get too religious on you now, but, growing up, we were taught in Sunday School that you don’t necessarily have to do anything to “earn” God’s love—the whole “it is by faith you have been saved, not by works” thing—and, in some ways, I feel like that applies to my life and to our friendship. Yes, I’ve worked my butt off in school to get to where I am. We all have. I’ve put in the hours and done the extracurricular activities and put myself out there and sometimes failed. We all have. And I try to be the best person I can be. I try to love everyone in the healthiest and most genuine ways I can. I try to be kind as my first reaction. And all of that is work. But, when it comes to you guys, I haven’t had to try any harder than I normally would. You love me just because of who I am, and I know that if I do slip up sometimes, you won’t love me any less.

5-11-2019. English Department Banquet. Peter the Pilot would have a hard time choosing between us. Good thing we're not into him. 

Once in a lifetime, that’s what this feels like. When else can I just pick up and move halfway across the country to get a degree with some of the top scholars in their fields? And to get to meet people who I know will change the world (if only in little ways)? I can’t even process it. But I’ve known since Day 1 that this was going to be a special experience. Two years later, and I was right. This has been incredible, inexplicable, irreplaceable, magical, memorable, wonderful—all the good words that don’t even begin to encapsulate it.

So, as we get ready to go out and take on a new chapter of life, maybe in new places with new people, I can’t help but be nervous (terrified!). How are we going to top this? At the same time, though, I don’t want this to be the best part of our lives, because we have so much potential (another terrifying thought!) But, even with all that pressure, I know that the odds are astronomically stacked in my favor because I have you guys behind me. I may not be a statistician, but I’ll take those odds any day.

Love ∞,

Me

8-18-2019. In KC loving the hometown sports teams and a few of my fave girls. (Also, how do you all make windblown hair look so good? I should have worn a hat, too!)