"Home"

“Always out of place, I knew I needed something new for me

I never knew just what that was, yeah
Finding something safe was just like trying to catch a bird in flight
I knew that I would never touch

But now I won't let go
'Cause I'm happy to call this

Home”

--Nick Jonas, “Home” from Ferdinand (2017)

4-12-2019. Celebrating Dustin's featured reading at DripTorch. PS, when can we read the rest of Love Child ????

“Home” has always been an interesting word for me, because I associate it so much more with people than with places—which is funny, because I’ve lived at the same address my whole life. I should have a very clear idea of what “home” means to me. Maybe it’s because Jacksonville is such a transitional town: most everyone I grew up with moved away for college, and others came Jacksonville for school and moved on as soon as they graduated. Jacksonville’s always changing in some ways, so it doesn’t feel as constant.

Or maybe the word “home” is weird for me because I still don’t quite feel at home in Manhattan itself. I still have to use my GPS to get places. I don’t know street names or landmarks. Sometimes I make wrong turns onto one-way streets. I can get from my apartment to campus, Wal-Mart, Aldi, and Dollar Tree, and sometimes the post office and library, but that’s really it.

10-24-2018. Watching Vertigo and forever being #TeamMidge

So the “places” that I’ve always felt most stable and comfortable are with people. I’ll admit that I’m probably too quick to fall in love and trust people—and that’s hurt me in the past—but, because of that, I have so many homes in so many places and with so many people. There are pieces of my heart all over the country, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Mr. Rogers has a quote that I can never remember but have somehow internalized: “If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” That could sound pretty depressing. Like, the second I meet someone new, I’m broken into one more piece. But I’ve never thought of it that way. I think of it as having a new little home in every person I’ve loved or who’s loved me. When we go our separate ways, we’ll have people who love us all across the country. I know there are people in Southern California and Connecticut and Chicago and Texas and Kansas who love me. And I hope you guys know that you’ll always, always have a little bit of home in Alabama. If for some reason you’re ever cruising through Jacksonville, let me or my parents know, and you’ll have a place to stay and a warm meal and a bunch of cats to pet.

8-19-2019. SAGE Cookout. Home is where the heart is, and a little bit of my heart is always with each of you. 

I hope you don’t read this and think I’ve been absolutely miserable in Manhattan. I love its charm. I finally live in a city with a mall and a movie theater and bars! I don’t have to drive half an hour to Target or Panera or Ross or PetSmart or Aldi. I will always think about Manhattan with fondness, and, if anything, I’m mad that I don’t have more time to make it feel more like home, to memorize every shortcut and discover every nook and hidden gem it has to offer. (I mean, I did find you guys, and we stay buried in the basement of ECS, so I think I basically hit the jackpot there.) Manhattan has a bigger piece of my heart than most cities, because it brought me to you, even for this short time.

I’m actually writing this just after the Super Bowl (I’m too hyped up to sleep), and I think that tonight was actually a great example of what “home” is to me. So many of you came over even though we don’t usually care about football. We supported a team that most of us haven’t ever paid any attention to, but we all have a soft spot for them now. I screamed and cursed and rolled around on the floor and was completely wild. I was loud and over-the-top, and you just laughed with me. I was comfortable, and that means so much to me, because I’ve always been a lot of personality, and the fact that you don’t mind it and even love me for it just reaffirms that you—our friendship—is home to me. And I’ve been very lucky to have found a lot of homes in my short life.

2-2-2020. Got me some "super" friends.

2-2-2020. The Chiefs are #1 and so is our friendship.

So, while Manhattan may not be my one and only home, it will forever be one of my favorites. I sure am happy to call this—us—home.  

Love ∞,

Me