"This Is Me"

“But I have this dream
Bright inside of me
I'm gonna let it show
It's time to let you know

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now”

--Demi Lovato, “This Is Me” from Camp Rock (2009)

“I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me”

--Keala Settle, “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman (2017)

4-19-2019.  The Grand Re-Opening of The Dusty Bookshelf.
"What a beautiful place to be with friends" --Dobby the House-Elf

When Camp Rock came out in 2009, ‘This Is Me” was, for middle school me, so cool. Mitchie just became so confident and comfortable with herself, and I used to sing along in my room and choreograph my own routines—I was just so excited to feel that way someday. To look around and say, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now,” and really believe it.

And, at this point in my life, I’d say I’ve found that. When I discovered K-State’s Children’s Lit program online, I literally said, “I don’t care if I have to do it alone. I’m going there.” As you know, I normally want to share experiences. I think things are so much better when I can do them with people I care about, but there was something that clicked when I found this program. I imagine it’s what it feels like when you realize that wedding dress you tried on is “the one.” I really did just know that I was supposed to be here, so I made my choice.

But I often find myself what my life would be like if I made different choices. Mainly, what would my life be like if I was bolder?

6-15-2019. Sometimes queens get knocked over by errant
 bicyclists, but they always manage to fix each others'
 crowns. Thanks for always fixing mine, guys. 

I’m pretty calculated. My mom jokes that I didn’t even walk until I knew I could do it, and that’s a pretty accurate way of describing my life. I’m in English because I’m good at it, and I love the things I’m good at. (Well, except for singing. I’m such a bad singer, but I do it all the time. Sorry.) But because of this attitude, I haven’t taken many chances in life. I used to write stories and songs and poems and songs—journals and journals full of them. If you showed me one of those “songs” now, I could still tell you the melody. I could still tell you the what was happening in my life to inspire a particular poem. In fact, one of my biggest regrets in life is throwing all those journals away after the tornado. But I know why I threw them out: I was scared. I was afraid that I would try my hardest and not be good enough, so I never pursued creative writing…or acting…or TV work. I didn’t want to be rejected, which I know now is a terrible attitude to have. And, as I think about this, I still think I’d enjoy a little bit of fame. You guys know how much personality I have and how much I love talking to people. I think that’s why I’m drawn to stories, why I went into journalism in undergrad. I love hearing them, talking about them, writing about them, and sharing them. It’s why I love Instagram stalking strangers and binging celebrity interviews and writing this blog. I love the stories.

12-7-2019. A Katie in her natural habitat: CHRISTMAS!

So I guess you could say that I’m safely doing what I love. And, I mean, I’m so happy. That’s not an act. I know this is all pressure I’ve put on myself. I convinced myself from a really young age that people expected me to be a certain way—that I was expected to be the best in school, that I should take all the hardest classes and always have straight A’s, that I should be happy and bubbly and a little naïve. And, for the most part, that was an easy role to fill, because those are all core parts of my personality. But, as immature as it sounds, I’ve always wanted to fail. I want a rejection or a broken heart. I (maybe wrongly) have it in my head that failure would be freeing in some ways. Like, everything spirals out of control, but I’m still okay. I don’t have to be perfect to be happy or successful. Logically, I know that, but I want to feel that, you know? So what would it be like if I weren’t so cautious? Maybe I’d be in a creative field. Maybe I’d be in love (or at least know what love felt like). Maybe I’d let go.

When people ask what my biggest fear is, I really think it’s failure. Or dying. Especially dying alone and not being remembered. But I’m finding out—again, totally corny and cliché—that the best way to be remembered isn’t necessarily to be “Taylor Swift famous” or be a millionaire or to have my face on every red carpet; sometimes being remembered is just being yourself with as few inhibitions as possible. Sometimes putting your idea out there to a couple friends and having it become an actual event/thing that you and a few other people enjoy is just as good.

11-2-2019. Just casually laughing about our plans for world
domination. Couldn't have asked for a better VP than you,
Mr. Cady! #KatieCady2020

Maybe I will write a book one day. Probably about cats. Maybe about Harry Potter. Man, I’m just itching to see my name in print. That feels like making it in academia. Maybe I’ll be famous in select circles. Maybe some lowly grad student will secretly follow my work and get starstruck when they talk to me like I do around Karin. Or maybe I won’t. And I’m not sure that I’ll be totally okay with myself if I don’t live up to what I think my own potential is, but I’m working on it. Until then, I’ll keep chugging along, checking things off my list. 

This has turned into a lot about me, I know. But I recently watched an interview, and they said something about how friendships, real friendships, are built on vulnerability. I’m a pretty open book, but there’s still something about laying it all out like this that feels weird. Like, “Katie, why the heck do you think they want to read 1000 words about your weird childhood dreams?” Well, I assume that I’m not the only one who put some dreams on the backburner and now has FOMO about it. So, if you guys did that, too, just know that I hope you come to peace with that. I hope you’re happy with who you’ve become, because I think you’re genuinely so wonderful. And, if you’re not, I hope you’re braver than me. I hope you put yourself out there. I hope you dust off those notebooks of old stories and revise them. I hope you don’t give up because you’re afraid you won’t be good enough. I wish you could see yourself through someone else’s eyes for a day. I think that would be great for our collective human self-esteem, to realize that the rest of the world doesn’t see the tiny things that you pick apart and blow up in your head.

12-7-2019. "Picture" this: _Truman_ actually won the Caldecott. 

It's been 12 years since Camp Rock came out, and I've changed since then. I don't just want to be comfortable where I am. Now, I more aspire toward the lyrics of a song by the same name. I want to be comfortable and confident with myself, no matter where I am.I want to be at peace with myself and all my imperfections, and I don't want to let others' opinions hold me back from living the life I deserve. I honestly hope that you can all say—if not today then someday—that you’re not scared to be seen and that you make no apologies for loving who you are and what you do. I love you guys. So, so, so much.

Love ∞,

Me

THE GLOW UP BETWEEN THESE TWO SONGS OMG! 😍😍😍😍😍