“Castle on the Hill”

“Fifteen years old and smoking hand-rolled cigarettes

Running from the law through the backfields and getting drunk with my friends

Had my first kiss on a Friday night, I don't reckon that I did it right

But I was younger then, take me back to when

We found weekend jobs, when we got paid

We'd buy cheap spirits and drink them straight

Me and my friends have not thrown up in so long, oh how we've grown

But I can't wait to go home”

--Ed Sheeran, “Castle on the Hill”

12-15-2019. The girls at Liquid Art. For me, Christmastime is always the most nostalgic and beautiful time of year, so that's why I chose this photo for the header. Like the song, this picture reminds me of easy times--good times. And I love that you will forever be part of that Christmas feeling, that feeling of home.

*P(re).S(cript): Can I just say that I'm uber weirded out by the fact that the "Good Old Days" post was published just a few days before everything went downhill? And it's just gotten worse since? Guys, I've had the list of songs planned out for weeks! I haven't adjusted the order, either! IT TURNS OUT THAT THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS. THIS WAS PURE COINCIDENCE, AND IT'S WEIRD!*

So the best laid plans of mice and men and grad students always seem to go awry, don’t they? I caved last week and gave you guys the blog link. Damn coronavirus. But I stand by what I said in the group chat: writing this has helped ground me. It reminds me that while the rest of the world is in chaos, this—us—is real. And I hope you’ve taken some solace in the first eight entries. I hope you’ve laughed and reminisced. I hope you understand just how much I’ve loved being your friend. I hope it’s done a little to eat away at the panic and stress we’re all feeling.

I’m not sure this post will do that.

Because, honestly, I can’t help thinking about the coronavirus and what it’s done/is doing/will do to our last semester.

Six weeks before I graduated undergrad, the tornado came through Jacksonville. It was also during Spring Break. And, just like this year, I said my goodbyes to my friends and roommates, and we made plans for “after break”—and then our world’s, and mine in particular, were turned upside-down. I didn’t get to finish my senior semester of college. I missed out on Edgar Allan Poe and my intro to linguistics class and my advanced reporting capstone. I didn’t have my last Communication Department Banquet or Honors Program semi-formal. I watched it all slip away, and I didn’t even enjoy my own graduation because I was so stressed.

And I’m so afraid of that happening again. Of maybe not even getting to walk with you guys. About missing Prom and conferences and our “last” class together. Of course, it’s probably too early to know for sure, but I’ve felt that hurt and disappointment before, and I really didn’t think I’d have to go through it again.

3-9-2020. The House Girls in Denver. Remember 2 weeks
 ago when we were all on Spring Break? I'm so glad we
got to make those memories before everything hit the fan.

I thought we’d get our fairytale.

I’ve spent all 24 years of my life believing in fairytales, believing that, one day, my life will feel like a story and I’ll live happily ever after.

And, for 24 years, I’ve been disappointed. Something always gets in the way of my perfect ending: broken friendships that were supposed to last forever, natural disasters, pandemics.

I should probably stop believing that fairytales can happen.

But I won’t.

I’ll adjust my definition of “fairytale.”

Because, as Cailey and Mikayla and Nick can attest, all of the original fairytales were full of suffering and imperfect endings.

I’ve said this before, but I’ve had these songs and their order picked out for weeks. I’ve loved “Castle on the Hill” since the moment I heard it, and I knew that I needed to use it. Lines like “I still remember / These old country lanes / When we did not know the answers” just encapsulate what grad school has been to me. Ed Sheeran wrote this about his hometown (Framlingham in Suffolk), and the music video for “Castle on the Hill” was filmed in Suffolk with all local actors. The titular castle is the Framlingham Castle, and I’m honestly so jealous that British people grew up with castles literally in their backyards. But, like I’ve said, Manhattan will always be another home to me, and we have our own “castles on the hill,” don’t we? For me, it’s Keltic where we went out for the first time; it’s the Varsity food truck; it’s EH 228 and the ECS basement; it’s the girls’ house with it’s terrifying crawl space and Molly’s apartment and watching sunsets/sunrises on the Konza. And even though Ed sings about his little hometown with such fondness—the same way I’ll remember Manhattan—he recognizes that it’s not all fairytale perfect. The bridge is sobering: “One friend left to sell clothes / One works down by the coast / One had two kids but lives alone / One's brother overdosed / One's already on his second wife / One's just barely getting by.” But then he says (and this gets me every time), “But these people raised me and I can't wait to go home.”

12-15-2019. Grad School Adventures: We risked our lives for some Secret Santa Brunch at Blue Moose during a snow storm. #WorthIt

I won’t say that you guys raised me, but I do feel like I’ve definitely grown up through grad school; we’ve grown up together, I hope.

So I guess that what I’m saying is that this semester isn’t perfect. It’s not the fairytale ending I had planned out. And I’m mad about it. I hate not being in control of a situation. I hate how much this is going to affect us, how hurt we’ll be my missing out on things, be that in-person defenses or the Joy Harjo talk or other, more significant events that I won’t dare utter lest it give the universe ideas. I hate seeing you all hurt. I hate hurting, so I’m trying my damndest to look at things positively. And, on that note, I guess we can say that this semester just bonds us even closer, because no one will ever be able to say that they were the K-State English Coronavirus Class. That’s all us.

I hope this whole pandemic gets settled. I hope you get a small fraction of what we deserve and that I can stop saying “It’s fine, I’m used to disappointment.” But I have to accept that this might just be one more pill to swallow. And even if it is, the coronavirus can’t take away the memories we’ve already made. This crisis just reminds me how important it is to love every minute we have, to take the picture even if I look a mess, to tell people you love them, to have a movie night. And I know we’ll still do those things. We won’t lay down and just twiddle our thumbs until May 15^th. I plan on fighting for every sweet moment and smile and joke, and I plan to have fun however I can.

9-8-2019. There aren't many hills in Kansas, and there are even fewer castles, but there are a whole lot of fields and sunsets, and those are just as special. Take that, Ed. You don't have big green tractors in Suffolk, do you?

 I chose the opening lyrics because they feel so nostalgic—and they’re a little chaotic, just like us. But they feel like they come from a simpler time, and I think we need that right now. We also need some cheap spirits to drink straight. (But I can’t say that it’s been long since I’ve thrown up. I may have gotten real margarita drunk while I was in Lincoln [because if I got one more email about campus and online classes, I was going to lose my mind], and I definitely threw up, like, twice. It was the worst, and I never want to do it again, but I now relate to Rebecca’s story about spending the night on the bathroom floor because the cool tile felt good.)

However this semester ends, I will always be ready to come home to you guys. You’re my castle on the hill.

Love ∞,

Me 

PS. Happy Defense Week, Dustin! I know you'll absolutely smash your defense tomorrow! I'm so proud to know you, and can't wait until your writing is on bookshelves for the world to read and not just for your committee/me when I beg! Congratulations on all that's to come, you superstar, you!