“For Good”

 “It well may be

That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...”

--“For Good” from Wicked

5-5-2019. The White Rabbit, Alice, and the Cheshire Cat walk into a Children's Lit Track event. We've gone down our fair share of rabbit holes together. We ate and we drank and we cried oceans of tears; we  maybe even played croquet with an evil queen or two, but, oh, how we've laughed! And my smile will last long after we've said our "see ya laters!"

I know, I know, I know. “How stereotypical can she be?” “For Good” is such a cliché graduation song. But that’s why I had to use it, isn’t it? Because I can’t sit here and write this, my twelfth blog post, and honestly say that the people we meet don’t change us.

My grandmother, who I only knew for the first 5 years of my life, changed me.

The first boy I had a crush on in first grade changed me.

The best friend I had from 6^th grade to college changed me.

My high school youth minister changed me.

My ninth grade classmate who committed suicide changed me.

The boy I went to prom with my senior year changed me.

My brother’s best friend’s brother, who died of cancer at 20, changed me.

Meeting Meg my freshman year of undergrad changed me.

The old acquaintance who got me into news writing changed me.

My Shakespeare professor in undergrad changed me.

My best guy friend, who came out to me as bi my sophomore year of undergrad, changed me.

My students have changed me.

Having classes with the likes of Phil Nel and Karin Westman and Anne Phillips and Anne Longmuir and Naomi Wood has changed me.

You all changed me.

11-1-2019. I guess you could say that "Stranger Things" have
happened than our friendship, but I don't think anything better has!

I firmly believe that I am who I am because of every person I’ve met, for better or for worse, for every painful memory and every celebration, from every passing smile to every heartfelt phone call. Maybe it doesn't work that way for everyone, but I such a people person. I can't be an island. I can't exist without the people who make up life (though quarantine is definitely trying me).

Don’t start with me about the psychological logistics of it. I know there’s a lot more to “who we are” than just the people around us. There’s biology and chemistry and all kinds of stuff I don’t understand wrapped up in there, too. But I’ve always valued my relationships. I love what they’ve taught me about myself and life and love. I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything.

Relationships are a weird thing for me to talk about, considering I’ve never been in a romantic one. But there are a lot of levels of relationships. Like, I used to swim with my dad all the time growing up. He taught me how to snorkel, too, and we'd spend summers at lakes and springs and creeks and beaches face down in the water with our masks on just observing the aquatic worlds. From my first pair of goggles, Dad and I had hand signals to check up on each other while we were underwater. Generally, we'd just flash an "OK" sign. If one of us was having an issue (leaky mask, feeling lightheaded, cramps, etc.) we'd both surface and deal with it. It wasn't anything a layman couldn't decipher—an OK sign is just that--but people wouldn't understand the full conversation that that hand signal communicated: "I'm thinking about you. I love you. Are you safe?"

I think about me and my dad when I see performers gesture to each other or their band or off to the wings during performances. How many conversations are being had with just a thumbs up? Why did they signal at that moment? Did something go wrong? How and when did they come up with these gestures? I so badly want to know, but I know it's not my place. In the end, I can appreciate their music, but I'll never fully understand their dynamics.

10-22-2019. Number 2 at Harry Potter trivia, but Number 1 
in my heart. Here's to the Holyhead Hotties! (But not Millie the
hamster. Screw you, Millie.)

But it works both ways. Isn't it crazy to think of the little world our cohort has created? Our own little microcosm that no one else will ever truly understand because they didn't live it with us. Sure, someone might pick up on our inside jokes. Someone might even laugh at them. But they will never get the full emotional value. We have lives outside of grad school (kind of). We have parents and siblings and spouses and friends whom we love, and, if you're like me, you want those people to share in all the joy that our friendship brings. But my mom, as supportive as she is, will never truly comprehend how much you've all meant to me. Meg can appreciate our (mis)adventures, but she can only compare them to what she and I did in undergrad. This experience, Fall 2018-Spring 2020 in Manhattan, KS is something that only the few of us will EVER be a part of. It's a completely unique experience that no other people have ever or will ever experience. That, at least in my heart, bonds us together. It makes us special. To steal an idea from P.S. I Still Love You (2020), it’s the idea of “jung,” the Korean word that Lara Jean uses to describe two people whose shared experiences will always connect them no matter how they change. We are the only people who could ever love Anne Longmuir the way we do. (She’s not even teaching 801 this fall!) The only people who witnessed the “grammar conversation” in Practicum. The only people who will ever fully empathize with the long nights and the overwhelming readings and the impostor syndrome and the fear of the future and going dancing in Aggieville. The only people who talked about my incredibly detailed Harry Potter AU spreadsheet for 3 hours over Zoom at midnight.

 These bonds will only ever be forged once. By us. Right now.

3-18-2020. Speaking of life-changing, nothing changes
your life like a new pet. Your mom and all your aunts love
you so much, Argos!3-18-2020. 

I guess it goes without saying that I believe in Fate, then. I’m just so awed by how everything worked out so perfectly. It’s the only way I can explain this life I have now. But I’ll qualify that and say that I don’t think “Fate” means never putting in effort and just having things handed to you. Fate, for me, is when hard work and luck meet, because you’ve set yourself up for good things to happen. And when everything aligns just right, they do. I think I may have cashed in a lot of Fate chips when I got you guys. And it’s all worth it.

So I hope we meet again in this lifetime. It breaks my heart to think that this could end and I’ll never get to sit on someone’s apartment floor laughing until my sides hurt again (double “ouch” here because it’s very possible that that’s already happened thanks to this freaking quarantine!). But, whatever way our stories end--however this chapter ends--I’ll always, always remember this cohort. You don’t walk through fire with people and just forget them. You don’t forget people you loved so completely, no matter how little time you spent together or how much time you spend apart.

Love ∞,

Me